COLONOSCOPY

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Ozarks Hillbilly
 
Posts: 435
Joined: February 2nd, 2009, 7:13 am

COLONOSCOPY

Postby Ozarks Hillbilly » March 4th, 2009, 9:59 am

COLONOSCOPY (hysterical!)[font=arial]



 


 

[font=arial]                       [font=arial] If anyone of you have ever been through this you will appreciate it.[font=arial]  [font=arial]Be sure to read the jokes in the procedure room at the bottom!!!


 


 


[font=georgia]This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal: [font=arial]  [font=tahoma]
 
[font=georgia]I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.  A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through  Minneapolis  .  Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.  I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of  America  's enemies. [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.  Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor..  Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter [font=arial]  [font=georgia]plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'  This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:  Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.  You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.  The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.  I was very nervous.  Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'  How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough. [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.  Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
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[font=georgia]Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.  At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would have no choice but to burn your house.
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[font=georgia]When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point.  Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 
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[font=georgia]'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
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[font=georgia]I have no idea. Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.  Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
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[font=georgia]ABOUT THE WRITER 
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.


[font=georgia]On the subject of Colonoscopies...[font=georgia] [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]5. 'You know, in  Arkansas  , we're now legally married..' [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' [font=arial] 
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[font=georgia]And the best one of all[font=georgia][font=arial]  
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[font=georgia]13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?
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These Ozark Mountains Ain't High But The Hollers Sure Are Deep

turkeylimb
 
Posts: 254
Joined: March 5th, 2009, 4:12 pm

RE: COLONOSCOPY

Postby turkeylimb » March 11th, 2009, 11:57 am

HEY THAT IS FUNNY MAN I JUST HAD THAT DONE LAST WEEK.!!!!

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MAKEemQUIVER
 
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Joined: April 14th, 2008, 2:22 pm

RE: COLONOSCOPY

Postby MAKEemQUIVER » May 11th, 2009, 5:28 pm

Thats freakin hilarious

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mark hay
 
Posts: 2880
Joined: August 19th, 2008, 1:59 pm

RE: COLONOSCOPY

Postby mark hay » May 23rd, 2009, 11:42 am

I like to think that I am NOT squeamish , and must admit that the thread title just turns me off . I've seen it on the forum before and avoided it .
 
Well , there ain't much turkey talk going on today ,,SOOO! , I read the durn thing alloud as my wife listened . She was finishing a bagel at the time I began reading and before long I was in fear of wearing the bagel due to her laughter .
 
Absolutely a rib breaking story .

nhtrkybstr
 
Posts: 481
Joined: April 26th, 2009, 11:36 am

RE: COLONOSCOPY

Postby nhtrkybstr » May 23rd, 2009, 11:52 am

I have probably assisted with hundreds of colonoscopies in my career as a surgical technologist. This is the funniest rendition I have ever heard in all my years doing this job.

Hysterically funny!
You can't kill'em sittin' on the couch!

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ncturkey
 
Posts: 99
Joined: October 22nd, 2008, 2:33 pm

RE: COLONOSCOPY

Postby ncturkey » May 28th, 2009, 12:56 pm

Now that is funny.
Mike

Hognutz
 
Posts: 115
Joined: February 26th, 2010, 4:28 pm

RE: COLONOSCOPY

Postby Hognutz » March 12th, 2010, 1:38 pm

That is hilarious. The sad part is that I need to schedule one soon. Mike
And there I was...Knee deep in grenade pins..


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